Dippey

amended to suit my humour, just in time for the new season:-

Armchair Football Fans Logic
Two football fans living in Devon and supporting Manchester United were sitting on a bench talking, and one fan says to the other, "Which do you think is farther away... Scotland or the moon?"
The other fan turns and says "Helloooooooooo, can you see Scotland ?????"

CAR TROUBLE
An armchair football fan pushes his 15 year old Mondeo into a petrol station. He tells the mechanic it died.
After he works on it for a few minutes, it is idling smoothly.
He says, "What's the story?"
The mechanic replies, "Just crap in the carburetor"
He asks, "How often do I have to do that?"


SPEEDING TICKET
A police officer stops an armchair football fan for speeding and asks him very nicely if he could see his license.
He replied in a huff, "I wish you guys would get your act together. Just yesterday you take away my license and then today you expect me to show it to you!"

RIVER WALK
There's this armchair football fan out for a walk (amazing in its self). He comes to a river and sees another armchair football fan wearing the same shirt on the opposite bank. "Yoo-hoo!" He shouts, "How can I get to the other side?"
The second fan looks up the river then down the river and shouts back, "Excuse me! You ARE on the other side."

AT THE DOCTOR'S OFFICE
A gorgeous young professional worker goes into the doctor's office and said that his body hurt wherever he touched it.
"Impossible!" says the doctor. "Show me."
The fan took her finger, pushed on his left shoulder and screamed, then he pushed his elbow and screamed even more. He pushed his knee and screamed; likewise he pushed his ankle and screamed. Everywhere he touched made him scream.
The doctor said, "You're not really a professional worker are you?
"Well, no" she said, "I'm actually an armchair football fan."
"I thought so," the doctor said. "Your finger is broken."


FOOTBALL FAN ON THE SUN
A Russian, an American, and an armchair football fan were talking one day. The Russian said, "We were the first in space!"
The American said, "We were the first on the moon!"
The Football fan said, "So what? We're going to be the first on the sun!"
The Russian and the American looked at each other and shook their heads. "You can't land on the sun, you idiot! You'll burn up!" said the Russian.
To which the Football Fan replied, "We're not stupid, you know. We're going at night!"

IN A VACUUM
An armchair football fan was playing Trivial Pursuit one night. It was his turn. He rolled the dice and he landed on Science & Nature. His question was, "If you are in a vacuum and someone calls your name, can you hear it?"
He thought for a time and then asked, "Is the vacuum on or off?"