andy chapman

Italian Present

This little Italian boy and this little Jewish boy lived about
a block apart in the neighborhood and basically grew up together.
The Jewish boy was the son of a jeweler and the Italian boy was
the son of a hitman. Oddly enough, they had the same birthday.
Well, for their 12th birthday, the little Jewish boy gets a
Rolex watch and the little Italian boy gets a .22 Baretta.

The next day they are out on the street corner comparing their
presents and neither is happy so they switch gifts with each
other. The little Italian boy goes home to show his father and
his father is NOT pleased!

"What're you, nuts? Lemme tell you something, you idiot!! Some
day you're gonna meet a nice girl, you're gonna wanna settle
down and get married. You'll have a few kids, all that stuff.
THEN one day, you're gonna come home and find your wife in bed
with another man. What the heck ya gonna do??? Look at your
watch and say, 'Hey, how long you gonna be?'"


Andy

andy chapman

Barrel Statisfaction

In days of old, this young sailor was about to sign up for a 6-month trip on a sailing ship. He asked the captain about sex life, since there would be no women on the ship.
"Don' ye worry about it, lad. We'll make sure your needs are taken care of."

After about 2 weeks at sea, the lad had a bone that wouldn't go away, so he went to ask the captain how to take care of it.

"Aye, lad, 'ere's ya key. Go open up the door under the ladder. In there you'll find a barrel, take the bung out of the hole and insert your manhood. I think you'll find this arrangement satisfactory."

The lad went down, opened the door, removed the bung, inserted his penis and got his rocks off in record time. In fact, it was SO good he asked for the key the next five nights in a row.

On the sixth night, the captain said, "Not tonight, laddie; it's your turn in the barrel."

andy chapman

Oh My God

An old man on the beach said to a beautiful girl in a bikini, "I want to feel your breasts!"
"Get away from me, you crazy old man!" she replied.

"I want to feel your breasts, I will give you twenty dollars," he said.

"Twenty dollars, are you nuts!? Get away from me!"

"I want to feel your breasts, I will give you $100!" he stated.

"NO! Get away from me!"

"$200", he offered.

She paused to think about it, but then comes to her senses and said, "I said NO!"

"$500 if you let me feel your breasts," he claimed. She thought, well he is old, and he seems harmless enough ... and $500 IS a lot of money ... "Well, OK ... but only for a minute."

She loosened her bikini top and while both are standing there on the beach, he slid his hands underneath and began to feel. Then he started saying, "OH MY GOD ... OH MY GOD ... OH MY GOD ..." while he was caressing them.

Out of curiosity, she asked him, "Why do you keep saying, 'Oh my God, oh my God'?"

While continuing to feel her breasts he answered, "OH MY GOD ... OH MY GOD ... OH MY GOD ... OH MY GOD, where am I ever going to get $500?"

andy chapman

A old man and his erection



An old guy gets a hard-on for the first time in years.
He runs into the living room and says to his wife, "I forget what I'm supposed to do with this."
She says, "Why don't you wash it while you've got the wrinkles out?"

andy chapman

TEENS
*******

Two teenagers wander into some bushes during a game of footie and start kissing, after a while the boy says "i think we should go all the way."
but i`m a virgin says the girl and i`ve heard it hurts. anyway what if anyone hears us. "if it hurts ,make noises like a cow and i will stop says the boy. but if it feels good start singing, that way nobody will guess what we are doing.
Ten minutes later ,the people watching the game hear sounds echoing throught the countryside --MOOO! MOOOO! MOOOOOOOOOOOON RIVER....

sparrow

I like this one , but I just wonder : what did the father of the Jewish boy say ?

mavi

Two Scots, Archie and Jock, are sitting in the pub discussing Jock's forthcoming wedding.

"Och, it's all going magic," says Jock. "I've got everything organised already, the flowers, the church, the cars, the reception, the rings, the minister, even ma stag night."

Archie nods approvingly.

"Hell, I've even bought a kilt to be married in," continues Jock.

"A kilt?" asks Archie. "That's braw, you'll look pure smart in that. What's the tartan?"

"Och," says Jock, "I'd imagine she'll just be in white."

mavi

An Indian man walks into a bank in New York City and asks for the loan officer. He tells the loan officer that he is going to India on business for two weeks and needs to borrow $5,000. The bank officer tells him that the bank will need some form of security for the loan, so the Indian man hands over the keys to a new Ferrari parked on the street in front of the bank. He produces the title and everything checks out.
The loan officer agrees to accept the car as collateral for the loan.
The bank's president and its officers all enjoy a good laugh at the Indian for using a $250,000 Ferrari as collateral against a $5,000 loan. An employee of the bank then drives the Ferrari into the bank's underground garage and parks it there.
Two weeks later, the Indian returns, repays the $5,000 and the interest, which comes to $15.41. The loan officer says, "Sir, we are very happy to have had your business, and this transaction has worked out very nicely, but we are a little puzzled. While you were away, we checked you out and found that you are a multi-millionaire. What puzzles us is, why would you bother to borrow $5,000'" The Indian replies: "Where else in New York City can I park my car for two weeks for only $15.41 and expect it to be there when I return'"

andy chapman

2 Crackers Michelle but i had to think awhile about the first one