bobthenob

copied from the doggy webpage.
Basic Rules for Dogs
Who Have a Yard to Protect
by Gary Bogue, Columnist for The San Ramon Valley Times
Newspapers: If you have to go pee while playing in the front yard, always use the newspaper that's placed on the driveway every morning just for that purpose. (mine gets thrown outside the gate, so it's the neighbors' dogs that *anoint* mine with "yellow dew" before sunup)
Visitors: Quickly determine which guest is afraid of dogs. Charge across the room, barking loudly, & leap playfully on this person. If your human falls down on the floor & starts crying, lick his/her face & growl gently to show your concern.
Licking: Always take a BIG drink from your water dish immediately before licking your human. Humans always prefer clean tongues. (be sure to wipe your mouth on their skirts/slacks and get the water off--that's what they wear all that material for)
Barking: Because we are dogs, we are expected to bark. So bark - a lot. Your owners will be very happy to hear you protecting their house. Especially late at night while they are sleeping safely in their beds. There is no more secure feeling for humans than to keep waking up in the middle of the night & hearing their protective dog barking and barking and . . .
Holes: There are never enough holes in the ground. Strive daily to do your part to help correct this problem. Rather than digging a BIG hole in the middle of the yard & upsetting your humans, dig a lot of small holes all over the yard so they won't notice. (wanna bet!?)
Doors: The area immediately in front of a door is always reserved for the family dog to sleep on. Wag your tail so it makes tolerant, thumping sounds on the floor every time you are stepped on.
Sniffing: Humans like to be sniffed. Everywhere. It is your duty as the family dog to accommodate them.
Dining: Always sit under the table at dinner, especially when there are guests, so you can clean up food when it starts to accumulate on the floor. This is also a good time to practice your sniffing.
Housebreaking: This is very important to humans, so break as much of the house as possible.
Walks: When out for a walk with you master or mistress, never go to the bathroom on your own lawn. Always pick the nosy neighbor's yard. (Tut, tut--that's why we have so many restrictions and anti-dog laws!)
Couches: It is permissible to sleep on the new couch after your humans have gone to bed.
Cats: When chasing cats, never catch them. It spoils all the fun.

Also us humans do have a tendency to become addicted,that leads to disorders.
Dogs do have addictions as well

paddington bear

matty

Hi Bob,
Nice one!

bobthenob

A Dog's New Year Resolutions
I will stop trying to find the few remaining clean pieces of carpet in the house when I am about to throw up.

I will not roll on dead seagulls, fish, crabs, etc.

I will not eat other animals' poop.

I will not lick my human's face after eating animal poop.

I will not eat my own vomit.

I will not eat "kitty box crunchies".

I will not eat any more socks and then re-deposit them in the backyard after processing.

The diaper pail is not a cookie jar. I will not eat the disposable diapers, especially the dirty ones.

I will not chew my human's toothbrush and not tell them.

I will not chew crayons or pens, specially not the red ones, or my people will think I am hemorrhaging.

When in the car, I will not insist on having the window rolled down when it's raining outside.

I will not drop soggy tennis balls in the underwear of someone who is sitting on the toilet.

I will not bark each time I hear a door bell on TV.

I will not walk under the big dog when he is peeing.

I will not steal Mom's underwear and dance all over the back yard with it.

I will not play tug-o'-war with Dad's underwear when he's on the toilet.

The sofa is not a face towel. Neither are Mom & Dad's laps.

My head does not belong in the refrigerator.

I will not bite the officer's hand when he reaches in for Mom's driver's license and car registration.

I do not need to suddenly stand straight up when I'm lying under the coffee table.

I will not roll my toys behind the fridge.

The garbage collector is NOT stealing our stuff.

I must shake the rainwater out of my fur BEFORE entering the house.

RichnKim

very funny but also very true...